The fear of cancer rearing it's ugly head is always present. I have been having some pain in my remaining kidney. That on top of a doctor telling me that he is worried about my kidney lab levels has me freaked.
I set up an appointment with the doctor who removed cancer almost a year ago, and he reassured me that my levels, for only having one kidney were decent. He did set me up for a CT scan which I did, but had to wait two weeks for the doctor to tell me the results.
Today was my appointment to get my results. The kidney is not compromised! Doing well. No enlargement. So my pain must be something else. It's funny because this past weekend there were a few days where I didn't have any pain. I have been hydrating myself better. When talking to the doctor today, he said that he wasn't any kind of an expert in back pain and I mentioned how it feels better when I'm well hydrated, and he said that when we become dehydrated, any issues we have, rear their ugly …
She is always with me. Little things remind me of her. Last night there at our dinner theatre we were at a "meet and greet" with some of the cast, and fellow season ticket holders and there is a woman who is older than us that I started to talk with. She is a piano teacher, 57 years. She wears these cute matchy skirts, shirts, vests that remind me of mom's fashion sense. She and her husband attend the symphony, they come to the dinner theatre. *sigh* I bet mom and dad would love coming to the Alhambra with us.
In the teacher's lounge, co-workers talk about their parents, and I get a little envious. I laugh at their stories, nod as they talk about the crazy things their mothers do and wish for my mom's witty, dry comments to keep me in check.
One more call, one more hug, one more piano duet...I would still want more.
My parents both passed away in 2010. Today is my dad's birthday, he would have been 90. If I close my eyes, I can hear mom singing her "You're much older than I" song that she would taunt him with. He was 15 days older than her.
I had a full-on break-down last week. I sat and sobbed because I missed both my parents immensely. You'd think after nine years I would have a grip on grief, but it comes in waves. You never move on, it's always there. You live with it.
My niece posted a video about moving forward with grief recently. I had seen this video before she posted it, but it was exactly what I needed.
Most days, I'm good. Then there are those days when you want to be comforted by the people who have shown you love no matter what. That infused you being with their humor, quirks, and sense of being.