Being Jeanne...

I just got home from my appointment with my new endocrinologist.  WOW, that's how I remember a doctor appointment should be.  She took her time with me.  Over an hour appointment and the doctor told me she wished there was more time because she wanted to make sure we clear about the plan moving forward.  I didn't even get this much attention when things were life-threatening.

I'm back on some medication for diabetes as my fasting blood sugars keep going up.  A1C is at 6, so we are going back on Metformin but only 1000 mg total per day.  Also, because my TSH is back up, she is increasing that medication.  My B12 was low, so she wants me to take a supplement for that.  She looked at me and said there was a reason I was having problems getting the weight off, moving, and with fatigue.  It feels good to hear that there are reasons.  As you recall from a previous post, I had problems walking around a hotel, well no freakin' kidding. Now I know why.

Feels fantastic to have a…

Today, I am rededicating myself to eating healthy and working on losing weight. I weighed myself this morning. I have planned out today's meals. I know that planning will help me control portions and intake.

I will use the two liters of water I need to drink as a way to stave off hunger along with teas.

Tomorrow I go to my new endocrinologist, and I will go with an open mind and be willing and accept what she has to say.

Part of being Jeanne is loving myself, even when I'm obese but not accepting that I have to be a big woman.

Argh!! I'm so tired of this weight.  I'm going to seriously focus on this.

Why is my addition, food?  Why do we need to eat to stay alive? When I quit smoking, I just gave them up, but you can't do that with food.

Last week we went to Dallas for Jerry's work conference.  I was miserable.  I could barely get around.  I was winded after walking from one area of the hotel to another. I didn't want to leave the hotel room to socialize.  My feet swell so much that I can barely get my shoes on, never mind bending down to put them on is a challenge. Seriously, it's bad, and I'm super sad about it.

I'm going to the doctor this week, and I know she is going to yell at me. I had lab work on Saturday, so hopefully, that isn't going wrong too.  I have been doing well.  Argh...

Emotional eating is the worst too.  You eat, then feel bad for eating.

The goal for the week, log my food in my LoseIt app.  Every bite.  EVERY. SINGLE. BITE!

Today is the anniversary of the day my cancer was removed.  Weird sentence to type out.  Still seems surreal that I had cancer. I lost so much weight and was feeling good about that and "BAM" it was cancer. 
I am one of the lucky ones. My tumor was contained inside my kidney so they took my whole left kidney. Since then, I have several scans to make sure it didn't spread and so far my luck is still flowing. I will do probably do those scans for the rest of my life. The new normal is okay though. I didn't die. I survived after a hellish experience in the hospital and months of recovery.
The weight has come back, and that has me pissed off. It doesn't matter if I restrict calories, give up dairy, sugar, or eating all together the scales aren't budging. I know my thyroid messes with my body but it has been fairly stable. It's bumming me out!
Speaking of the thyroid, my doctor for more than a decade has retired so I start a new endocrinologist in mid-June.…

Last night I was visited by my mom in a dream.  It was one of those vivid dreams where I felt I could reach out and touch the surroundings and remember colors and whatnot.I remember that Mom was in China, living her solitude life after Dad passed, which is odd because she passed four months before him.  I wasn't with her the entire time of the dream.  Part of it was like I was observing her from afar.  She had a quaint life there, one that you would expect if you were a senior citizen in China. Alright, maybe a more romantic version of life in China.  Never the less, there she was, strolling through gardens with beautiful blooming Sakura trees.  Sitting on benches as she read her book. Meandering over to a market to get some food to either eat there or take home to cook for herself.  It was pleasant. I do remember a conversation where she told me about an upcoming wedding in the family and that she was excited. The conversation was short though. Back home without mom, Jerry and I …

This month has me reflecting a lot on my life. A year ago I was waiting to have surgery. I had lost a ton of weight, and I was excited about that but now know that it was because of cancer. So while I'm happy they were able to remove the tumor, I'm sad that within a month I gained all the weight I had lost. All of it. 😔

I have been really working on my diet and moving a little more and nothing. Doctors have suggested bariatric surgery in the past, but now that I only have one kidney, I don't think that is a good option. Even though my A1C was only 5.4, my blood sugar has been creeping up in the mornings, so I asked to be put on medicine.  I am not going to let last year be the decline. 

What does this all mean, why am I writing this?  For me...so I can put it out to the universe that I need help.  I need encouragement.  Not from you reader, from myself.  I need to own this if it's going to work. 

I know work is stressing me out.  We have the end of the year testing, a…